my first temple visit post d-day

The 405 was wide open. It was wonderful. Of course, it probably always is at 6:15 am on Saturday mornings. But I wouldn't know. I've never attended a temple session that early before. Dad and I talked and laughed on the way there and hoped that our session wouldn't be in Tongan (that had happened to Dad once). But Tongan or not, I was going into the temple. 

Finding out about the sex addiction/infidelity/lies robbed me of many things: trust, respect, confidence, sleep, happiness and others thats it's hard to pinpoint. But one thing it's definitely robbed me of is peace. Thoughts, and feelings and memories are constantly running through my brain. Constantly.

But in the temple, there is peace. There is inspiration, guidance, comfort, blessed and glorious peace! 

I sat down to start the session and looked around at the other women sitting too. Most, if not all, were Latina. I asked the temple worker if this session were in Spanish. It wouldn't be a big deal, but I had come wanting answers and it would be easier to understand them in English, ya know! She assured me it was in English. Phew. 

And I did learn. I received answers. I felt peace. At the end, as I walked into the Celestial Room, I felt a gust of air sweep over me. And the only way I can describe it, is by the phrase, "Breath of fresh air." I felt more relaxed at that moment than I had in weeks. The thoughts were still there. But they seemed clarified. Like I could process them more accurately. 

I'll be honest. I asked Heavenly Father for confirmation that I should divorce Simon. That was the decision that I had come to: divorce. But I desperately wanted confirmation. I had a small wrenching in my stomach as I even thought the words in a secret prayer to Heavenly Father. I had never dreamed that I would sit in the Celestial Room contemplating divorce from a man I had so willingly and lovingly been sealed to in just the other room. It's pure craziness. 

But yet, there I was. And I wasn't exactly receiving confirmation of divorce. Instead, this thought entered my mind, "I don't have to know right now." It's true, I don't. But I'm impatient. I like being organized, having a plan, knowing my next move. But as I sat there in "the breath of fresh air", feeling wonderful peace and stillness, I knew I would have to wait for answers. 

Peace was enough for today. I thought about my Heavenly Father, about how I can trust Him. I thought about how He loves me, about how He's always blessed me. I thought about the gospel in my life, about how much my sealing to my three children means to me. I felt great peace. I knew everything would be ok.

Because everything will be ok in the end. And if it's not ok, then it's not the end. 

Love,
AnneGirl

wisdom from my bishop

A lot of comfort, guidance and inspiration on how to move forward from Discovery Day, has come from my priesthood leaders. Bishop and President probably don't even realize it. But often their counsel was an answer to an prayer, thought or question that I may have had only minutes before.

Simon and I met with Bishop three days after D-Day. He met privately with me first while Simon waited on those blue floral couches that every church seems to have. I walked in with my arms folded, clutching myself for comfort and warmth. I had eaten in three days.

Bishop sat down and asked if he could say a prayer. He started and the Spirit swept over me like an ocean wave and wrapped me tightly. Tears streamed down my face. So many tears. Bishop's heart was heavy. I could feel his love and grief for me. I could feel the Savior's love for me. When I looked up, I saw Him. His picture hung right behind Bishop's desk.

When I poured my heart out to Bishop, I poured it out to my Savior too. Even though I had been praying on my knees like crazy lately, talking to Bishop and telling him the story really helped me. I had no sins to confess, but sitting there talking to Bishop really lightened a burden I didn't know I was carrying.

Of course, I had talked to my family a ton about everything. But I was exhausted of it. Families want to help, but usually what they had to say was of no use to me. It just made me feel worse. I didn't want to hear that people had been suspecting something too or that he was the weak link or that I should divorce him or that I could never trust him again.

What I wanted to hear, what I needed to hear was that I was supported no matter the decisions I made. I just needed someone to listen when I was read to talk about it. I just needed to hear the words, "You're strong. You'll decide what's best. You can do this. I am here for you."

I felt that from Bishop. And then he told me something that has honestly changed and strengthened my relationship with my Heavenly Father. He said, "AnneGirl, I don't ever want you to think that Heavenly Father gave you this trial. Simon has given you this trial."

It was the most illuminating, loving thought. And I knew it was true. Up until that point, I had gladly accepted the fact of, "Maybe I'm supposed to learn something from this? Maybe Heavenly Father needs me to go through this? Did I choose this in the pre mortal existence?"

But to hear those words come from Bishop's mouth, I knew that the HE was answering those questions. "No, my daughter. I have not given you this trial. Simon has. He has his free agency. I'm so sorry. I love you."

I never knew that free agency could hurt so badly, and that it could affect and hurt the innocent just as much, if not more than the sinner. But I chose free agency. I voted for it. I voted to come to this earth and experience mortality in all it's glory and sorrow. I know that. But I know now that Heavenly Father doesn't hand out trials because He looked at me and thought, "Hmm. AnneGirl is way to happy down there. Let's teach her some humility. Simon, go be adulterous."

Never. Never, never, never, never. Simon used his free agency. He chose sin. Heavenly Father didn't give me this terrible experience. Simon did.

I am so thankful for a Bishop that is close to the Spirit and could answer my heartfelt pleadings in just a couple inspired phrases. They have made all the difference.

Love,

AnneGirl

can i be happy on thanksgiving?

I love holidays. And Thanksgiving may be one of my favorites. So it really burns my turkey that this all had to happen right around the holidays. Will they be tainted forever now!? I'm just so mad. Though I've only known for a couple weeks now about all the infidelity, I'm realizing that it touches everything, it affects everything.

Simon won't be with us for Thanksgiving today because its simply too awkward to have him here. He was supposed to eat with our friends but they decided to go to Utah last minute. So Simon will be alone. And now I have to worry about him. And I don't want to. I really don't want to. But that's the kind of person I am. I don't want him to be lonely and sad on Thanksgiving with no dinner. I wish I didn't feel that way. He doesn't deserve it. I wish I could be a person that says, "Well, sucks to be you!" But I'm not. I worry about other peoples feelings.

And while that may be a great characteristic, I know that at times it can be a great weakness. That's something that S-Anon (I've only been to one meeting so far) has already taught me. They teach that you must be responsible for your own happiness. You can't let someone else's actions and attitudes and addictions affect your happiness. You simply can't. In other words, despite all the crap in your life because of your husband's sins...CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.

Learning that principle was really a life changing moment. I've always known I needed to choose to be happy. It's nothing new. I know thats what Heavenly Father wants: my happiness. It's the whole point! But hearing that I can be happy despite my husband, that I could even be happy without my husband, was like I said, life-changing. Because it meant I didn't have to depend on him. Because frankly, I can't. All trust, confidence and respect is gone. Totally gone. I cannot depend on him.

But I CAN and I CHOOSE to depend on Heavenly Father.

I've always loved the phrase "neither trust in the arm of flesh" taken from D&C 1:19. Have you read it? It's great. And for as long as I can remember, I always thought of that scripture, that phrase, as meaning that I shouldn't rely upon myself, my own arm of flesh, but rely on the Savior. And that's true. But going through this experience it's taken on an added meaning. It teaches me that I can't rely on Simon's arm of flesh either. I can't and shouldn't rely on man--that earthly, natural man that cannot give me everlasting peace and happiness. No. You can only trust in the arm of the Savior to make you whole. Peace and happiness is in the divine, in the gospel, in the scriptures, in temple covenants. They are things that are not of the dust of the earth. They are eternal.

So today, I choose to be happy on Thanksgiving. I choose to remember my blessings. Because I have many. So many! Yes, Simon has caused a lot, and I mean A LOT, of grief and turmoil. But I have many things in my life to rejoice and be thankful about: my three beautiful children (and they really are beautiful), parents who love and support me, a dear friend that I can confide in because she's going through roughly the same thing, yams to eat today!, a good night's rest, the gospel in my life, and my sealing to my children.

President Monson, our prophet whom I just love, said, "We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude." Such wisdom. Because I've been dwelling in the "realm of negative thought" a lot lately. And yes, he's so right, when we work on a thankful heart, we are so much happier and ready to face the day.

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Love,

AnneGirl

let me introduce myself

Well hello. I am AnneGirl. Obviously that's not my real name. But it's who I am. On the outside I'm a late twenties Mormon mom of three very little children and the wife of a sex addict. Yeah, I know, that last part sucks. Big time. More on that in a little bit.

On the inside, I am Anne Girl. A passionate, book loving, movie watching, chocolate chip cookie eating, lifelong aspiring writer, who loves her family and her Heavenly Father. (I do have a temper and I'm working on that. It may be cute on the real Anne of Green Gables, but in real life its a major weakness.)

But, really, I'm a good person. No, I am a GREAT person. Not perfect. But I do what is right. I live the gospel, I love the Lord, I make and keep sacred covenants.

So I wish a quick temper was the worst of my problems right now, but alas, it's the sex addict husband. Something I don't deserve. So let's talk about that. Sex addict. Just the phrase "sex addict" sounds so disgusting to me. It conjures up the image of a real pervert. Some creepy guy that sits in a dark room watching pornography all day. Driven and consumed by sex.

Well lucky me! Looks like I'm married to one! I just didn't know it. No idea. NO IDEA.

That's been the hardest thing: realizing that my husband was a lie. The husband I thought I had (we'll call him Simon) was my best friend. We'd cuddle and plan our lives and hold hands. I loved his hands. I felt closest to him holding hands. But the Simon that really existed was a man who'd been watching poon on his phone for years, texting women he'd found on dating sites, created a false identity, drank occasionally, and had an adulterous affair with a woman for six months. That's Simon. A man living a double life. A man that tells his wife and children that he's off to a business conference, kisses them goodbye, tells them he loves them, and then drives away, off to commit adultery and live it up.

Disgusting. Scum-tastic. So freaking unbelievable my brain can't even comprehend it.

Seriously, who's life is this? That's the question I ask myself every morning. Sadly, the answer is that its mine. Its been a monstrous pill to swallow. And I swallow it every morning.

I am one of the "wounded innocent" that Elder Holland has talked about. And although life sucks, and I mean really sucks at the moment, and even though it may suck for a long time yet, I have NEVER been closer to my Heavenly Father and to my Savior. The Atonement astounds me. It is everything. It is marvelous. Simon's sins are his sins. Not mine. But my pain and despair are real and they are very much mine. And the Atonement will heal it. I know it will.

My stake president told me, "You've been told that time heals all wounds. It's not true. The Atonement heals all wounds. But it takes time."

So I am Anne Girl. I am actively partaking in the Atonement one day at a time. And it is changing me. Whether or not it changes Simon is up to him. And though I feel like smashing a school slate over his head, I still love him. (Which makes me so angry at times! And the craziness of that emotion is a topic for another day.)

I hope that if you've found this blog, whoever you are, and if you're experiencing a similar situation as mine, and if your pain and fear and sorrow are breathtaking like mine, that you take comfort in knowing you are not alone. I understand. I SO understand.

Love, 

Anne Girl

each morning

Each morning I wake up. For a brief moment, everything is fine. Then the next moment I remember that my old life is gone. It's died a horrible death. Everything is lifeless.

I was once happy. I was content. I had my happily ever after and I was living it like a normal person. I was healthy. I had three beautiful, silly children and a handsome husband that worked hard to provide for our day to day needs.

I loved his ambition. I loved his drive and confidence. I loved his blue eyes and freckles. I loved his jokes.

We had a mortgage. We had a temple marriage. We were so blessed.

I was blissfully ignorant.

And then the death occurred. Like a bolt of lightning, my entire world crumbled with a phone call from a woman I didn't know. But my husband did. He'd been dating her for the past six months.

Not only did my marriage die in that instant. But it was the death of a dream, of a life, of a family, of a world I loved and thought I was happy in.

It's a fat pill to swallow. Suddenly, I'm thrown into a world of betrayal, lies, despair, anger, confusion, bitter tears, and a never ending string of "whys!?"

Its been a little over two weeks. I wake a little easier each day. But each morning is filled with the question, "Is this real life? Is this my life? What next? What's going to happen to me?"

It sucks.

Love,

AnneGirl