Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Tomorrow I Turn 29

Tomorrow I turn 29. The last year of my twenties. Next year, I'm 30. And I could be divorced. 30 AND divorced. That could majorly be a suck-tastic year for me. 

I can't seem to push "divorce" out of my head. But I'm feeling so done. I feel increasingly more angry as my husbands actions sink deeper into my heart. And I'm left screaming on the inside, "WHAT THE HELL!!!" 

I mean, seriously. What was he thinking?! He wasn't, obviously. He didn't care about anything but the "fix." 

Sometimes I just sit in shock and disbelief. And lately disgust. 

The cycle of my emotions has been really interesting. It really is "crazy making" as my therapist says. So many emotions, so little time. 

But disgust--repulsion, has really settled in. I'm just so disgusted. Disgusted at what he's done. Disgusted at it's effects for me and my children. Disgusted that I was so oblivious. Disgusted that I'm still married to this man who doesn't even seem to care about me. 

I read in Rhyll's book that she told her therapist, "I feel like my husband doesn't love me." To which he responded, "He doesn't! He can't!"

I told my sponsor that I was feeling similarly. I have no romantic love for my husband. She said, "Of course you can't! The betrayal has been too extreme! He can't love you in his addiction. And you can't love him in your trauma. At least not romantically."

It was seriously profound to hear that. I felt like I was given permission to NOT love my husband. Because I simply can't. There is no room for romantic love. It was such a relief!

I do love him. But it's a concerned brotherly love. I'm worried about him. I know sexual addiction can't make him happy. But I have no desire to kiss him or be intimate with him. No desire to plan out a future with him. Nothing. Suddenly, I've become the sexual/intimacy anorexic in this relationship. 

As I've given myself permission to NOT love my husband, I've really discovered how forceful I was being with myself. I thought that to truly forgive him I had to truly and romantically love him. I thought forgiveness meant I was madly in love with him and would do everything in my power to stay with him. I thought that's what a successful recovery looked like. What was expected. I was forcing myself to stay. I was forcing myself to love. I was forcing my marriage to stay together. 

Force is the same as control. It's unhealthy. I've had to accept that recovery can be successful and a marriage still fail. I really believe that. But I don't hear much on that scenario. 

Sometimes the betrayal is just SO deep to make a marriage work. Sometimes it's just too much and there's no going back. I guess I really just don't want to make it work. I've done nothing but be true to my covenants. I've done nothing but support my husband. What more can I do? 

I don't like to fail at anything. I don't fail. I succeed. But I don't want to "succeed" in keeping my marriage together and be miserable the rest of my life. That's not succeeding. That's a tragedy. 

Simon isn't a monster. He is a good man deep down. I saw it in him those first couple years we were married. I think. But his actions have been monstrous. Atrocious. Disgusting. I just can't dealt with it! I don't know how. 

Simon IS improving. But I don't see it as recovery. I haven't seen those behaviors yet that tell me he's 100% on board. I don't know if he's willing to do what's expected of him. He wants to do recovery "his own way." And that spells disaster. It's a ticking time bomb. J

I'm not getting divorced tomorrow. But I feel like it's coming. We live parallel lives. I work my recovery and hope he's working his. But I've learned to not have expectations. 

I just want it over sometimes. I almost want him to act out with someone again, just so I can have an "out." Just be done. Just move on. Just not see him and be reminded of everything he's damaged and all the trust and love he's dashed to pieces. He's such a fool to have thrown us away. 

In many ways, I am happy. But a righteous husband for my birthday would really be the best gift I could dream of. I literally dream of being married to a righteous man. It's all I want. It's what I deserve. It's what I need. 

But again, that's setting up an expectation. 

Here's what I can expect tomorrow. I'll turn 29. And it will be bittersweet. 

9 comments:

  1. Thank you for this! You will help so many! You are so blessed to be getting the understanding and education that you are. I have been going mad crazy for the last 6 years because I haven't received the validation or education to understand what I'm going through. (It's like this blog post of yours came right from my mind. I feel the exact same.) I have finally seeked help and education and I'm so glad I did. I've also gone so long with the emotional and psychological abuse of my husbands addictive behaviors that I can't live with him and heal. He is a huge trigger for me and I have chosen to put space between us to heal myself.
    My husband has never chosen recovery, he only does it because I want him to, so now I'm learning to focus on me and my kids and let him figure his stuff out. Only time will tell what will happen, and patience is not my forte'. Keep going and trusting in the Lord! I love your instagram and blog. :) (p.s. I'm - @selfcaremommychallenge)

    ReplyDelete
  2. @selfcaremommychallenge I've been worried about you! When I saw you were taking a break from Instagram I knew exactly what must be going on. I'm so sorry. I love your Instagram and it's message. I need it! I think reading your journals probably triggered his shame and he just shut down completely. It's easier then to face what they've done. I'm so sorry. I've had that experience firsthand too. It's so hard because I know his potential. I know what my husband can be. But I don't know that if I wasn't here that he'd really put the work in. I hope you receive answers and comfort. You're in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've walked that road. I could've written so much if what you said--the repulsion, the brotherly compassionate loving, the forcing.... Oh, this is painful to read because I want to swoop in and rescue you yet... there is no rescue. He will either choose recovery or he won't. Know that regardless of that, you are not alone and you are loved and you are worth it, which means that you can choose what is best for you regardless of his choice.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I lost myself in trying to stay, trying to fight for him. It's been agony to find me again. Don't Lose sight of YOU In all this mess… You are worth it. You are precious. Find happiness in this Birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  5. One of daughter's birthdays is also February 4th. I hope yours was a special day too. Hopefully your parents made a fuss over you, or maybe even one of your kiddos. I am so sorry you are going through and i am so sorry your husband isn't choosing recovery for himself but rather just going through the motions. At least that's how you've made it sound. You deserve a gospel centered home. And I've been in that place of brotherly love. Be grateful for that--it shows you haven't lost who you are. Romantic love can never be the foundation and it's okay that right now it doesn't even exist. It sounds like you are getting great help from a great therapist. I love the audio courses for betrayal trauma at addorecovery.com. Just $25 a month. They've really, really helped me.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My husband was actually great. He watched the kids all day while i was off shopping and enjoying my birthday. The thing is that he is very kind. He is being very helpful. He is not a bad person and sometimes i think my writing may convey otherwise. He is doing tons better BUT his attitude of doing recovery "his own way" really concerns me. I completely agree. He will either stay and choose recovery or he will leave. And the BIG question I have right now is that even if he DOES choose recovery, will I WANT to stay???? That's been a tough thought to work through. It's heartbreaking. Trust and love have been ANNIHILATED. I just don't know if it can ever be rebuilt. Our situation and story are so extreme. And I get more tidbits on his addiction as we go along. And with every new little bit of information

    ReplyDelete
  7. ...I love him a little less. Its so terrible. Id love advice from anyone who has felt similar.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Heavenly Father knew just what I needed to read tonight. I WISH I had some advice for you, I don't. All I have is love and empathy from one warrior sister to another. I know what you mean about the pain sinking in more and more. Thank you for this!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I keep telling myself that I'll know without a doubt one day, what my course should be. In the meantime I have to put one foot in front of the other. I have to trust that the Lord will give you that clarity when the timing is right. I just want to come out of this KNOWING that despite being guiltless in the situation, I did EVERYTHING in my power to make it work. Then, if I choose to leave, there will be no regret. I won't wonder if I could've tried harder to make things work. Some days I still feel like I only have one foot in my marriage and the other is out the door. I remind myself on those days that my plan won't work if I'm not 'all in'. It's all about being accountable to myself and my Father in Heaven. After all, that is the ONLY thing we can control in this whole mess.

    ReplyDelete