Thursday, June 16, 2016

Sexuality


"He didn't validate my sexuality. And neither did I."

Scab's Love Rice podcasts are hitting some major trauma bruises. Especially the one above. And yet, though I can relate, I also feel alone in my particular "sexuality struggle."

It seems that most addict men demand sex from their wives, beg for it, express their constant need for it. But though I unknowingly lived with an addict for years, I was sexually deprived. Physical sex was nonexistent in my relationship.

I felt absolutely crazy over it. Why doesn't my husband want to have sex with me? Am I just hyper sexual? I must be bad for wanting sex all the time when he doesn't. Are all marriages like this?

I was rejected so many times over the years that I basically learned to live without it. I learned that vulnerability and asking to be intimate solicited the response, "No." The very few times we were sexual, were always initiated by my husband. Looking back, they were bouts of lust. Every time.

I remember being soo happy when he would want me. Because, well, it meant he was attracted to me. Loved me. Needed me. Validated me.

I sold my sexuality for sporadic lust. I was willing to jump when he was calling the shots and accept that my voice didn't hold weight or importance. "He didn't validate my sexuality. And neither did I."

What kills me looking back is that I accepted my husband's rejection. I internalized it and attributed it back to me. I started to view it as this: I am undeserving of sexual intimacy. Something is wrong with me. And when I discovered the betrayal, it staked that false belief deep inside me.

I did not validate my sexuality.

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife said in the podcast that our neediness for validation in these perceived roles we have actually undermine our potential--actually gives us a pass to underperform as individuals.

Ouch.

"I've been devalued by both of us."

In order to assert my sexuality, I need to ask "What kind of sexual relationship do I want?" My visual image for claiming the sexual relationship I want is Lucy Honeychurch from A Room with a View.

Scabs drew the image of sexual mindfulness. Which I loved. To me it means being present and seeing my sexuality and worth for what it is right now and how I can best protect and value it NOW. It's seeing and claiming the sexual life I want and deserve with wisdom, awareness and responsibility. Powerful stuff.

Self-discovery, transformation, growth, empowerment are all so key in recovery--and when it comes to protecting sexuality, it's just as important. I felt enlightened when Scabs said, "It's easy to stand up for ourselves when we can back it up from within ourselves." Deliberate, confident, personal power.






2 comments:

  1. All I really want to say is that you are not alone in this. I could've written almost every word you wrote. <3

    And it won't let me NOT be anonymous but this is Wendy from www.thestoryofwendyandpeterpan.blogspot.com :)

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  2. I somehow missed this post. I can relate to being used in bouts of lust. I am proud of you for recognizing that internalized belief and routing it out. Hugs friend!

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