The Last 18 Months

The last eighteen months or so, this blog has been as silent as a graveyard. But our lives as a family certainly have not. These months were filled with trial after trial after trial. Trials that suddenly make writing impossible. All my energy has been redirected to just living, just coping, surviving, then healing, then dealing, feeling, going through a thousand emotions, shedding a thousand tears, all the while trying to mother and raise my three beautiful children, attend therapy, recovery groups and support family members as they go through hell and back, as well.

I don't know why trials happen. And I've cried and yelled my fair share at Heavenly Father--demanding, yelling, begging, sobbing that He answer me and tell me WHY.

But the answer that comes to my mind...and has since day one...is Why Not?

It angers me and yet it also humbles me. I know its correct despite my urge to scream that I am a poor victim in this and I did not choose it. But Life chose me, nonetheless.

The clearest answer I've received from the Spirit has been this: Wait and See.

So, I'm waiting. And I'm seeing so much. Both the good and the bad. And sometimes the downright ugly and hellish.

As an extended family, my sweet family members have now supported one another as we've discovered betrayal and infidelity, sexual addiction, rape, and now cancer. My father called me one day in fits of tears and despair. He cried, "I'm being pushed to the very edge."

But those outcries come in moments of overwhelming hopelessness and fear. And thankfully they pass. The cloud lifts and then I remember that I've seen strength, growth, empowerment, clarity, knowledge, connection, authenticity and more. I have laughed! I have been happy. And so has everyone in my family despite the complete suckage of the last 18 months. I've felt myself, and my family, rise to a new level.

There is more compassion and less judgement. There is greater focus on the things that truly matter in life--like love and the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I've discovered that my family is filled with men and women who are all trauma troopers in their own ways. Living life, standing tall, fighting for good, amazing, courageous angels on earth.

I stand all amazed at the trials life offers me. And I stand all amazed at the love and grace that Christ gives me to get through them.