let me introduce myself

Well hello. I am AnneGirl. Obviously that's not my real name. But it's who I am. On the outside I'm a late twenties Mormon mom of three very little children and the wife of a sex addict. Yeah, I know, that last part sucks. Big time. More on that in a little bit.

On the inside, I am Anne Girl. A passionate, book loving, movie watching, chocolate chip cookie eating, lifelong aspiring writer, who loves her family and her Heavenly Father. (I do have a temper and I'm working on that. It may be cute on the real Anne of Green Gables, but in real life its a major weakness.)

But, really, I'm a good person. No, I am a GREAT person. Not perfect. But I do what is right. I live the gospel, I love the Lord, I make and keep sacred covenants.

So I wish a quick temper was the worst of my problems right now, but alas, it's the sex addict husband. Something I don't deserve. So let's talk about that. Sex addict. Just the phrase "sex addict" sounds so disgusting to me. It conjures up the image of a real pervert. Some creepy guy that sits in a dark room watching pornography all day. Driven and consumed by sex.

Well lucky me! Looks like I'm married to one! I just didn't know it. No idea. NO IDEA.

That's been the hardest thing: realizing that my husband was a lie. The husband I thought I had (we'll call him Simon) was my best friend. We'd cuddle and plan our lives and hold hands. I loved his hands. I felt closest to him holding hands. But the Simon that really existed was a man who'd been watching poon on his phone for years, texting women he'd found on dating sites, created a false identity, drank occasionally, and had an adulterous affair with a woman for six months. That's Simon. A man living a double life. A man that tells his wife and children that he's off to a business conference, kisses them goodbye, tells them he loves them, and then drives away, off to commit adultery and live it up.

Disgusting. Scum-tastic. So freaking unbelievable my brain can't even comprehend it.

Seriously, who's life is this? That's the question I ask myself every morning. Sadly, the answer is that its mine. Its been a monstrous pill to swallow. And I swallow it every morning.

I am one of the "wounded innocent" that Elder Holland has talked about. And although life sucks, and I mean really sucks at the moment, and even though it may suck for a long time yet, I have NEVER been closer to my Heavenly Father and to my Savior. The Atonement astounds me. It is everything. It is marvelous. Simon's sins are his sins. Not mine. But my pain and despair are real and they are very much mine. And the Atonement will heal it. I know it will.

My stake president told me, "You've been told that time heals all wounds. It's not true. The Atonement heals all wounds. But it takes time."

So I am Anne Girl. I am actively partaking in the Atonement one day at a time. And it is changing me. Whether or not it changes Simon is up to him. And though I feel like smashing a school slate over his head, I still love him. (Which makes me so angry at times! And the craziness of that emotion is a topic for another day.)

I hope that if you've found this blog, whoever you are, and if you're experiencing a similar situation as mine, and if your pain and fear and sorrow are breathtaking like mine, that you take comfort in knowing you are not alone. I understand. I SO understand.

Love, 

Anne Girl