Feel to Heal

So I think I should change my name from Anne Girl to Negative Nancy. Am I right? Holy Hannah I've been so negative lately. I was actually really getting down on myself about it the other day, ya know, shaming myself, telling myself to get a grip already! But my sponsor has repeatedly advised, You can't heal what you can't feel. In other words, you can't skirt around the pain-- you've gotta go right smack through the middle of it. It's like driving through the middle of Kansas, it totally sucks but it's the quickest way through to the other side. 

So feeling is OK. In fact, it's necessary. It's imperative! Because through pain I am refined and strengthened and prepared to heal. I have been victimized. But I WILL heal, dammit. And I will no longer be a victim defined by an ugly past that isn't really mine in the first place. 

You can't heal what you can't feel. I love it. 

So here are some raw emotions on being IN LOVE. And hopefully some healing comes on the other side of these words. 

My last post was really emotional for me. Pretty much devastating to write. I silently cried through most of it. Because the message I had received from Simon was that he flat out had no passion for me and had found it elsewhere. And the justification was that we weren't "in love" anymore and hadn't been for some time. 

I think it really rattled the both of us. And the next day we were extra nice to each other. It seemed we were both under an unspoken contract to TRY to be in love. I wrote him a little note and put it in his briefcase. He was extra helpful and kind and complimentary. 

A couple days later, I woke up on our lazy boy. I had accidentally slept there all night. Simon was kneeling there and had gently woken me up. He wanted to talk about my night (I had gone to play volleyball and when I came back everyone was asleep). It was actually very sweet. He was really trying to see me and know me. 

I was feeling loved and cared just a smidge (which is more than in the last few months) and so I suddenly felt comfortable letting him know how hurt I was over the "not in love" conversation. I told him I felt like he was trying to minimize what he'd done with the excuse of "well I wasn't in love anymore so what does it matter?" 

He apologized that he had made it seem that way and emphatically told me that he WANTS to be in love with me and he knows that the "not in love" feeling was all his fault and a direct result of the addiction. I cried. He WANTS to be in love with me. 

He continued to tell me that as he serves me and thinks about my needs his passion for me has been growing stronger. I cried at that too. He WANTS me. 

I know I'm responsible for my own happiness. I know that I don't need someone to complete me. I know all that. But I do know that I like having a husband who wants me. It's just plain nice. And it shouldn't just be a perk that you get some of the time in a marriage. It should be a constant. It should be. 

I told Simon I wanted to be in love with him too. It's the truth. I do. I hate that I do sometimes, but dagnabbit I do. 

And then he let me do something grand. He let me punch him in the face. He was scared of course and asked that I not break his nose, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to even if I tried. I'm kinda weak in the muscle department and I didn't exactly have enough rage at the moment to really follow through. 

So I punched him in the cheekbone. (Aka lightly punched/smacked.) It was awesome. I did it a couple more times. When his jaw was getting a little sore, I stopped. We both kinda smiled because the situation was just funny: Simon cowering trying to not reflexively defend my punches while I aimed for his face with my weak-sauce jabs. Seriously though, it was very therapeutic. 

I told Simon I had a new boundary. I get to punch him in the face everyday. After all, you can't heal what you can't feel. 

He said no. Though I think it's totally justifiable.