2014 Bookends

2014...that was a doozy. It kicked my trash in every way--physically, financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, you name it. 

The year started with the birth of our twins--Jem and Rilla. Born less than an hour after the ball had dropped and everyone celebrated the birth of a new year. It was a crazy and hectic and scary emergency c-section and I thought nothing would ever top that night of sheer exhaustion, fear and CRAZINESS. I was wrong. 

The majority of 2014 was spent with three little kids. Poopy diapers, crying babies, expensive formula, a new house, a workaholic husband, and all the rest of the day to day experiences that come with being a mom of a young family. A lot of loneliness. But there were good things of course. Lots of them actually. Small little joyous moments found in everyday ways. I wouldn't trade in those three dear and silly spirits for the world. 

And then of course...came the end of 2014 and with it the discovery of Simon's sexual addiction and the horrific extent that it had escalated to. The CRAZINESS of this situation and all the details and deception is so far and beyond anything I could have ever prepared for or even thought possible. 

I've told Simon many times now that every memory of 2014--and basically every other year of our marriage too--is trashed. Because I weigh every memory against the timeline of his addiction and then realize, "Ok, so we were here doing this while meanwhile you were secretly doing that over there." It's panic inducing at times and I can feel my chest start to tighten and my heart begin to race as the reality crashes against me. 

I wish I could send 2014 spiraling into space, lost in oblivion to some black hole. Gone, obliterated, erased, see ya in hell, 2014!!!

But I can't think that way. I'll always have to tell my children--especially Jem and Rilla--how 2014 was wonderful, one of the best years of my life, because they came to earth to be with us that year. And they did make it special. They saved 2014 for me. 

2014 started special with two beautiful tiny babies in my arms. 

And ya know what? 2014 ENDED SPECIAL as well...which is something I did not expect at all. I expected to still be slightly comatose on the couch just as I have been the last couple months. But I wasn't. I was on the floor laughing and smiling and talking with Simon as we played board games while the kids slept. We ate Hershey kisses and Veggie Stix while sabotaging one another in Machi Koro and Ticket to Ride. We didn't watch the ball drop or sip Martinelli's or kiss at  midnight. We just were. Together in a moment making a completely new memory. Being totally silly. It was the best night I've spent with Simon all of 2014. 

Heavenly Father has blessed me in 2014. I fell in love with my twins that first day of 2014. I felt IN LOVE the last day of 2014. Despite all the crap in between, I'm grateful that this past year was encapsulated by two bookends of love. They held me together. 

I have no idea what 2015 holds. But I hope for the best. Happy New Year.