Little Things

"I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string.” --LM Montgomery

The last 24 hours, three simple, major, wonderful things happened. 

1. Simon stayed with me while I cried. In the past, if we had an argument or I was feeling sad about something, I would usually cry on my own. I'd lay on my bed and just cry. And the one thing I always wanted and hoped for was that Simon would come in, lay there with me and hold me. It's all I wanted in those moments. I wanted him to want to comfort me. I needed him to. But he never did it. He'd always say, "You want to call your mom?" And I'd yell on the inside, "Why don't YOU just comfort me?!" I know now why he didn't. Because he was self-consumed and he literally could not see or care about my pain and emotions. Pornography had locked away his ability to love and reach out. 

Yesterday, all day, trauma was smacking me in the face. Without warning my mind would tell me, "Your husband cheated on you. He did this." And I couldn't breathe. I stuffed it down as best I could until I had time to process it. And that meant I curled up in a blanket and took a nap later. 

When Simon got home, I was so on edge. He could sense it. Old Simon would just ignore it. Emotion made him feel uncomfortable. But I broke down. I sobbed. All the trauma came rushing in and crashing onto me. And then the miracle happened: new Simon listened. Not only did he listen but he responded with actions enveloped in compassion and empathy. He followed me everywhere I went. He held me. He didn't say a word. He just held me tighter. He kissed my head. He rubbed my arm. He listened. He stayed. Then he apologized. He was there for me. 

I had prayed for this so many times. I was hurting horribly, but Simon stayed with me. It was like he found the key to unlock his ability to comfort his wife last night. For the first time, I felt like he truly validated my pain. He was there for me, just as he should be. He shared in my suffering. Once the crying was done, I felt puffy and tired and fantastic. 

2. Simon let me give him a haircut. He even went out and bought the home haircutting kit. Then he ASKED me to give him the haircut. I thought I had stepped into a parallel universe. Old Simon was totally adverse to it. He wouldn't let me near his hair. He'd give me this look when I offered to cut it that said, "Uhhh... Are you crazy? You don't know how to cut hair!" And it's true. I don't. But how hard could it be? His hair is practically buzzed! Can't really mess that up. But he never let me. Never. 

This morning though, he requested it. He was positive. He was warm. He was willing. And I cut his hair to perfection. That haircut communicated one word to me: TRUST. I felt even more fantastic. 

3. Simon demonstrated this phrase: "You are the most important thing to me." Because of sick kids, we had to reschedule our therapy appointment to another day. This particular session was going to include and discuss Simon's disclosure. I was devastated to put it off because I need that disclosure. Even though I know most everything already (as far as I know), and even though it will completely suck to hear, I need that disclosure out in the open to be able to fully start my healing and recovery. 

So we switched it to next Tuesday. Simon left for work and then I realized that he had a work dinner scheduled for that same night and at the same time. I immediately texted him and asked if that was indeed the same night. I fully expected him to say, "Crap, I'll have to reschedule our session again." Work has always come first. 

But instead he texted back, "Yikes. Well I may have to miss that dinner then. Our appointment is more important to me." I nearly collapsed. I started to cry. I thanked him for making me feel important and loved. He told me, "You are the most important thing to me." 

I like new Simon. New Simon holds me when I'm suffering, trusts me and validates me and tells me I am the most important thing in his life. 

It's the simple little things that mean the most. They mean everything today.