Addo Recovery: Combat Negative Self-Talk

My first assignment with Addo Recovery (which I am loving by the way) was on how to understand and combat negative self-talk. Easy peasy. Why? Because I'm not a negative person. I don't think negatively about myself. I'm perfect. 

Oh how I lie to myself sometimes. (I watched a great video on the Lifestar blog about "Honest Liars"--I highly suggest it. I'd add the link but I'm posting through my phone. Sry.) 

Lying to myself. Why do I do that? Why do I think I'm perfect? Because I most definitely am not perfect. And I most definitely do have negative thoughts and beliefs about myself at times. But to admit that to myself means...I'm not perfect in something! Bah! It gives me serious anxiety. 

My whole identity is wrapped up in being perfect, keeping it together, excelling, being looked up to. So betrayal trauma has rocked my world. Me? Therapy? Oh, it goes against all my perfectionist beliefs. I've had to come to some serious grips that I am no longer "perfect." No longer the perfect husband and wife. No longer the perfect family. It's terrible. But it's been GREAT for me. I needed to get over myself! I needed to see outside of myself. 

Now that I've done that and seen this new world of sexual addiction and betrayal trauma, it's time to look inwardly and recover. 

I was asked to complete some sentences  about what my inward beliefs are. I went into auto mode and started to write down positive things. The spiritual, church answer things. Because in my mind, a perfect person sees things optimistically. And I want to be perfect.

But then I stopped. No. I had to really dig deep, clear out the noise in my head and focus on what I REALLY was thinking in response to these sentences. It was hard. 

But I challenged myself to be brutally honest. (I can't expect Simon to do it if I don't.) And I started to write some honest answers. And yikes. YIKES. Holy negative self-talk, Batman. 

I discovered that I believe I am average. I feel tainted. I feel like I'm wrong about things a lot. I resent people if they don't make me feel validated and important. I feel like other people are selfish and think they are better than I am. 

Ugh! It's terrible! I hate those feelings and beliefs are even inside of me. I want them OUT! 

Because honestly I should not have those beliefs. I KNOW that I am a child of God. I know I have worth. I am anything but average. This experience has not tainted me. I am worthy of love and capable of compassion. I know people can be good. I know what I have to say is valuable. 

So why are those negative beliefs there?! I have no idea. And thankfully, they are not dominate in my mind. But they are there. Enter therapy. 

The first way I can change those beliefs and combat negative self-talk is to not accept them as truth. Then I challenge them, change them and shift my thinking. 

My most negative belief is, "I am average." Which really boils down further to the belief of "If I were better, more special, just MORE in every way, my husband wouldn't have done this. He wouldn't have sought out other women/things to compensate for what I am lacking." It's heartbreaking. I get all panicky and anxious just writing the words. It's a nagging little thought that's always in the back of my mind. (Satan wants me miserable. He's such a jerk.)

But I'm desperately trying to change that belief. Not push it down and repress it but get it out and flip it on it's head. I challenge it by telling myself: "I am special. I am enough. Yes, I can be better. I can improve my character. But I am special and of infinite worth. My husbands actions--past, present, future--do not define me. They do not lessen ME. I am a good person who has so much to offer and is capable of accomplishing so much." 

I feel that belief grow stronger and stronger every day. I am enough! I am SO enough. 

I refuse to let Satan, the father of all lies and the author of misery, diminish my worth. 

Sucker punch him in the face. Kill him with positive self-talk.