Families everywhere laughed and talked and snapped pictures and I just wanted to leave so I could go home and cry into my pillow. How sad for my children. They deserve a mom who's happy and fun. I tried my best to plaster a smile onto my face but the weight of the betrayal pressed hard on my chest. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream. I just wanted to be happy. And I couldn't.
Simon was great tonight. He really played with the kids, was positive, and made it magical for them. He seemed happy. And that makes me so flipping angry!
Because I feel like he has no right to be happy. I feel sometimes like he got off scot-free. He's excommunicated now so he's no longer a member. But he wasn't coming to church anyways. He doesn't get to wear garments now. But he wasn't wearing them anyways. He can't pay tithing. But he never voluntarily paid it anyways. So what does he care? His wife, me, and the kids are still living with him. So what's changed? He just no longer has a girlfriend? Is that it?!
So what the hell am I doing here? Why am I here trying to give my all? Why. He doesn't deserve me. He cast us into the gutter. He abandoned us. He chose filth over a pure, loyal and loving family.
Never in my life have I been mad at my Heavenly Father. Never. I always took my little trials with faith and believed He wouldn't give me anything that I couldn't handle. But I'm mad now. I despise Simon for giving me this trial that's made me feel so mad at my Father.
Simon knows I'm on edge. He's either been giving me space or chatting my ear off about stupid, inconsequential stuff. I know he's just waiting for me to explode. But I'm tired of my outbursts. What I really want him to do is reverse time and never make the mistakes he's made. Or I wish Heavenly Father had just zapped him with a bolt of lightning before he chose to go down this path that's destroyed the lives of his family.
I wish he'd zap Simon right now. I wish he'd zap me. Just anything to get me out of this pit that Simon has shoved me into.
I'm not supposed to be here.
When my whole life blew up my husband would cry and beg and say "How can I fix this?" And I would say, do you have a time machine? In other, nothing, unless he can go back and in time there is nothing he can do to fix this. Anger is totally a part of this, it's okay, be angry for a little while, how could you not be? I was so angry that someone else's agency could be used against me; that's a tough pill to swallow.
ReplyDeleteAnd I get the feeling of scot-free. My husband made crappy sinful choices for 30 yrs but because he never acted with an actual woman he got off way scot-free, didn't even lose his leadership calling. I had to just give that one away because I'll never have answers. But I have no idea what going through an excommunication with your spouse would feel like. And for that I am sorry.
It's so hard to put on a happy face for your kids but I know I would take a bullet for my kids, and this is worse than a bullet, so I never cry in front of them because we have chosen not to tell our kids. They are older and I think especially it would frighten my teenage girls. How could it not? So I get the happy face out in public when really you want to run, hide, and scream. In many ways I have become a good liar too--I lie when I put on a happy face for my kids, but they are worth everything and more. I know you get that. I'm sorry Anne, so very sorry.
Exactly! I've felt like a liar too. Not because I have to hide it but because I don't want it to consume my every waking moment forever! A time machine would definitely come in handy. Let me know if you find one!!
DeleteLike you honesty is so important to me. It is a core value of mine. I simply do not lie.
ReplyDeleteThe happy face I put on when my insides are breaking is a lie. I feel he made me a lier. It's exhausting .
I spoke to the temple matron about all this once. She said "do you know your worth?" I said "yes, I do that is why THIS is so hard". You do deserve better.
Exactly!!! You hit the nail on the head.
DeleteI cried reading this post. I have do been there and can totally relate. Everything you are feeling is normal and to be expected. My heart aches for what you are now going through. Hang in there and keep turning all that pain over to your Father. You are a good person. It can get better.
ReplyDeleteThank you. You're right, turning that pain over to Heavenly Father is all you can do.
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