I would waffle between missing Simon and simply missing just someone--a husband mainly. I have always wanted to be married. I have always loved having a husband. I haven't always loved having Simon as my husband though. I'll admit there were a few times where I would fantasize about what life and marriage may have looked like for me had I married this guy, or that guy, or that ex boyfriend etc. Its not a healthy fantasy, and in that department, fantasizing, is I guess where Simon and I have some common ground.
True, my fantasizing was never usually sexual (well embarrassing to say, but hello sometimes you just can't control your dreams ya know--and not to blame Simon too much, but because he was a sexual anorexic with me I felt very dissatisfied and unfulfilled a lot! I'm only human dagnabbit!)
What I'm trying to say, is I get the whole fantasizing thing. Sometimes, it just innocently happens. But where it crosses the line and becomes unhealthy is when you are actively and consciously feeding the fantasizing, preparing for it, wishing to live it and playing it out until ultimately it becomes reality. Super dangerous. Man, I hate Satan so much. I want nothing more than to sucker punch that creep in the face. Ugh.
As I've begun, and I mean just barely begun, my own recovery from all the betrayal I've realized that fantasizing gets in the way of my happiness and clouds my judgement and sets up dangerous expectations.
Those nights I felt alone Id fantasize about Simon getting over the addiction, making a miraculous recovery and envisioned us as mission presidents one day and how he'd be this amazing, spiritual giant I had always hoped for. That's dangerous. Why? I'm setting expectations for my life for a future we may never have. And if I set my heart on that, and it doesn't come true, then I'll crash into the depths of despair. Not good.
Other times, I'd fantasize about divorcing Simon and feeling free! It would be my second chance at life. I'd date and flirt and find someone better, someone healthy, someone who never ever ever had seen pornography. We'd be so happy and I'd finally have that happily ever after I deserved. Again, not good. No, not at all. Because in those moments I was setting up more dangerous expectations. There is no guarantee I will ever get married again. There is no guarantee that I will find a life free of care and trials. It simply doesn't exist.
The point is no matter where I go from this point on, life will be hard.
Staying married to a recovering sex addict will be hard. Leaving and being a single mom will be hard. Basically, life's tough so get a helmet.
Don't misunderstand me, I need dreams and hope for the future. Without hope I'll crumble. But having hope and happiness in this very moment, in this day, is far more healthy than charting out an impossibly perfect five, ten, fifty year plan of what I want my ideal life to look like--my fantasies.
This is truly a hard step for me. I like my imagination. I'm dramatic. I'm creative. I love a good, sappy, cheesy love story. I like fantasizing about a perfect world. I love thinking about plot lines and book ideas.
But fantasy must end. It just isn't healthy. Fantasizing about a perfect Simon leaves me open to getting terribly hurt if he makes a mistake. Fantasizing about a terrible, evil Simon who gets what he deserves, robs me of hope.
So what do I hope for at the moment?:
Happiness despite my circumstances.
Confidence despite my shortcomings.
Love and forgiveness in my family despite Simon's mistakes.
Healing despite the trauma and injustice.
Clarity and revelation despite the negative feelings.
I dream of these things. And they can be my reality. And that would be perfect.
Now that I'm back in my house, I'm not lonely at night anymore. Actually, it's my favorite part of day. The kids go to sleep and Simon and I hold hands and talk. And not just talk, but communicate. We've been communicating more now than we ever have and it is so heartfelt and genuine and forgiving at times that I can't hardly believe we went the last four years without it. It's a great feeling.
Simon even gave me "love eyes" last night. I haven't seen those in a long time. I wanted to cry. It's this look he gets when I know he's truly in love with me. I can see the admiration and tenderness and esteem he has for me start sparkling in his eyes and it's amazing. The last four years, his eyes have been blank and void and lifeless.
Those "love eyes" have given me the greatest hope yet that Simon is coming out of his own fantasies and seeing that I am reality. And I'm a pretty dang good one. Lucky Simon.
Love,
AnneGirl
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