rehashing in the rain

So let's start with a positive thought today: I lu-hu-huve rain. Here at my parent's house, the rain just echoes as it pelts the roof above the office where I sit. It's heavenly, therapeutic. I feel like Phyllis from The Office, I totally want to snuggle up in a quilt and just read, read, read. It's gray and dull outside and for some reason that just gets my little writer's heart an extra beat, and extra oomph, a little more drive to just sit and write.

One day, my kids will all be at school and then I'll have hours to sit and write. But that day's pretty far off at the moment. So until then, they get snuggle up in a quilt with me and we can watch Curious George.

Every morning I wake up at 6 am. Not by choice, of course. Heck, no. I'd much rather just sleep! But for some reason, my inner clock just likes being up at 6 on the dot. Maybe it knows I need that one quiet, solitary hour to lay there and think and then get out of bed and write.

This morning I thought about texts. All the texts that Simon and I have written back and forth to each other. And so, even though it was a bad idea, I scrolled through all of our texts the last few months. The Affair Months. And I just shook. Each was punch to the stomach. How could he be so heartless? How could I be so stupid?

Of course, looking back, there were signs GALORE. Which is what makes me feel so stupid and naive. Simon's texts were always pretty short and to the point in response to my questions or my reports on the kids and life. They all screamed, UNINTERESTED. But then there are the texts telling me he would either be home extremely late or that he simply wasn't coming home that night:

I have a really early meeting tomorrow so I'm just going to spend the night in a hotel.

Oh my gosh I'm so sick. The whole team went out for a dinner meeting and we all got sick. I'm just gonna crash here and get a hotel. I can't even drive I'm throwing up so much. 

Traffic is a nightmare. I'm gonna spend the night at Sam's.

So-and-so called out. I have to close now. Be home late. 

I have a last-minute conference tonight. Be home late. I love you!

The car battery died. Waiting on a tow truck. Not sure when I'll be home.

Sorry I never called you last night. I was so tired that as soon as I got to my hotel room I went right to sleep. I can't wait to see you!

Aren't you just absolutely sick to your stomach. I mean, it is truly unbelievable. The callousness and deception to carry on for months like that simply blows my mind. And then I just gawk at my stupidity. A few times, especially when he said he was sick or the car was acting up, I was supportive. I would Oh dear, I'm so sorry that happened! and other times I would be plain pissed and just respond with Ummmm, what? Well that sucks.

It annoyed me to no end, because remember, I knew he was a selfish person. At the time, I thought it was just him not wanting to deal with coming home in bumper to bumper traffic and helping out with the kids just to be in traffic the next morning for another two hours. Hah! It may have been that, but it was also because he was hanging out with people at the bar, going boating in the marina and committing adultery.

There are no words. Strike that, yes there are, I just choose to keep this G-rated as much as possible. In a way, I kinda feel like my G-Rated life has been catapulted into a XXX rated one. (Not that I've ever even seen one.) It's just all so disturbing. I'm in a parallel universe of complete deception and filth.

Ugh. I've been really angry the last few days. And I don't want to be. I just want to be happy. Content.

We see the family counselor tomorrow morning and while I am going there with the desire to save my marriage, I just cannot see how it will happen. It seems too impossible. Trust and love have been completely annihilated. And I mean, ANNIHILATED. Unless it magically and miraculously rises like a phoenix from the ashes, I just don't see how it can possibly be put back together. Say we do piece it back together, say at the end of one year I decide to stay. Have you ever tried to hot glue a ceramic figurine back together? You see every crack and fissure, hot glue bubbling and oozing and hardening all over it so in the end it just looks like crap. It LOOKS pieced together. Who would want that?! Who?!

But I've promised to give it a year. And though I have no idea what's waiting for us down our road, I'm trying to see this year as MY year. I have a year to get an internship and relearn my trade. I have a year to create my own life dependent from my husband. I have a year to find myself and choose happiness hopefully. I have one year.

And then I decide. But today, I'm listening to the rain and getting out Christmas.

Love,
AnneGirl