My Story, Part Three: Babies and Secrets

I didn't expect our big move to be so hard on me. I honestly fell into mild depression. I was home alone in our apartment all day while Simon worked. I didn't have a car, job, friends or family. I had nothing to do and felt so lonely. 

I've always been a happy person and I couldn't understand why I was so depressed. 

October General Conference weekend I was mainly by myself while Simon worked. When he left Saturday night to attend priesthood session I was so happy. Simon was pretty standoffish about making new friends and usually not very outgoing at church. Over the years I had tried many time to help us make friends with other couples but Simon was content with his old friends. Thankfully, they were married, so we just hung out with them. But it always irritated me that MY friends just weren't good enough for him or that he wouldn't even try to get to know other people. 

When he got home, I was anxious to hear about what the Brethren had taught and who Simon had sat with. He told me it was great and that afterward he had gone to get ice cream with a bunch of guys from our ward. I was so happy!

A few days later, I noticed a weird charge on our bank account for the night of priesthood session. I looked up the establishment. It was a strip club. 

I asked Simon about it and he was so shocked. Someone must have stolen his credit card! I immediately believed him. So I called the police, they came, and we filled out a report. Simon looked them in the eyes and told them he had gone to a church meeting that night and then out to ice cream. (He lied to the police!)

A few days later, I noticed a charge on our cable account. For a porn movie. I immediately called Simon. He said he never ordered it, how could he?, he had been at work! I believed him. I called the cable company to dispute it. My husband doesn't look at porn, I said. He would never buy that! (The lady I talked to over the phone must have felt so sorry for me. I was so clueless.)

We had our first baby, Jimmy, the next year. Oh how we love him. Simon cried. He was the best daddy and just loved his little boy. Simon was truly amazing and took care of us so tenderly. 

We moved two more times. Simon was getting promoted and gaining lots of attention. He's truly great at his job and because of the increasing stress and responsibility he naturally seemed to be working more and more. But I was supportive. 

I remembered the wife of his mission president and her advice to me: Always remember that he's working for you. It's hard to be a young mother. But remember that he's working to give you a life he wants for his family.

So I was supportive. But I knew my marriage was seriously lacking in passion and that confused me. Aren't guys supposed to want it all the time? I tried to be intimate and it seemed I was always the one to initiate it. It was frustrating and hurt my self-esteem. Sometimes, he'd just dismiss me completely saying he was just stressed or tired or didn't feel well. He told me over and over how much he loved me. So why wouldn't he show me?

Right before I got pregnant the second time ( which was truly a miracle since like I said we were hardly ever intimate going months in between) I caught Simon looking at a personals ad on Craigslist. I didn't see the message, but just knew it was a personals ad. He said he liked to look at them sometimes because they were so funny and people were so pathetic on there. I talked to him about how that looked to me, and that it was inappropriate. He apologized, he said I was right and he wouldn't go on there again. I believed him. (Sensing a trend here. I believed every word he said to me even though signs were popping up all over the place. I trusted him. My husband is a good person. My husband is a returned missionary. My husband is faithful to me. I never thought otherwise.)

Simon continued to work hard, often away on business trips or for conferences usually on Sundays. I stayed at home with Jimmy. I went to church alone without my husband almost every week. I carried my family spiritually in every way and basically became matriarch AND patriarch. 

We became pregnant, with twins!, and moved back to California to be by family. I will forever be grateful for that move. I truly believe Heavenly Father was working to provide me with an atmosphere of support and love for what I would soon discover. He knew I would need to be home.