starts sad, ends happy

I always write in the mornings. Therefore, my posts usually start with the word "yesterday." 

Yesterday, was busy. I started the morning by waking in my own bed in my own house. 

The kids and I had moved back in the day prior--though I made it clear to Simon that we were still separated and he'd sleep in a spare room. I laid out all my boundaries. He wrote them down like a little terrified schoolboy taking notes from his pinched nose, cranky teacher. That was Monday. 

But yesterday I woke up already moved in. It was weird. I read a few of my fellow WOPA (wife of porn addict) bloggers and stories and though I love them and relate to them and need them. They were triggering the crap out of me. 

When Simon came into the room to say good morning, I cried and poured my heart out. Again. I told him my insecurities. I admitted that in my efforts to control his addiction (I.e. Monitor his emails like a psycho every hour all night and day eliminating any evil spam that could tempt him) I felt myself getting desensitized and exposed. I hate it!!!!

Because I don't want these emails to keep coming back, I have to unsubscribe where possible. And of course to unsubscribe you HAVE to click on the link and go to the website. Satan doesn't make it easy on you to quit. He makes you dig through filth to get out. He doesn't give up any power easily, he wails and gnashes his teeth. He makes me see dozens of pictures of naked women. He corrupts me too. 

Simon said he didn't want me to click on those links. He said he didn't want me to see that stuff. He's just been emptying the spam folder altogether so he doesn't even see the titles. And I believe him. He's been remarkable the last couple days. The changes in him are pretty amazing and bring me to tears. (Example. He said a prayer that morning that was the most heartfelt, humble and kind that I had ever heard come from him. He prayed for me that my pain would heal. He prayed that he would once again feel like a son of God and regain his temple blessings.)

I admitted something else to Simon. Something VERY personal and embarrassing. 

When all the craziness started happening and I found out about the pornography problem being the basis and first step in his journey to having a 6 month affair, I also learned that masturbation always accompanies the porn. I lived in a G-rated world. I didn't know they were always linked. 

So yes I'm naive, I guess. No, I don't like that word. I wasn't naive. I was pure-minded and innocent. 

Anyways, the concept was foreign to me. I didn't understand it. Why would you do that to yourself?! So, in my curiosity to understand Simon and the situation--and this is the personal and embarrassing part--I touched myself...ya know...down there. For seriously like 5 seconds. And yes, you can stir up some serious sexual feelings on your own. 

I told this to Simon. He listened intently, without interrupting (it's one of my boundaries.) When I finished, he told me to be so very careful. 

"It's powerful," Simon said. "Don't mess around with it. I don't want you getting sucked in." He was genuinely concerned. 

Trust me, I'm not doing that again. Call me crazy, but that's supposed to be my husbands job if we ever get back to intimacy. Right now it's out of the question. Simon needs to dry out for 90 days before we even think about that. 

So my day started with crying. Man, am I tired of feeling like a basket-case all the time. Simon said he wishes someone would just punch him in the face and get it over with. There are plenty who want to believe me, mainly my mom. (That's a post for another day.)

The good news is: the rest of the day was pretty great. We shopped with the kids, hung Christmas lights that look more Hannukah blue than white, ate some Philly cheesesteaks, watched A Christmas Story, played with the kids, and hugged a lot. 

There's really been no kissing. No way. But I do feel close to Simon. We can't stop hugging. It's more like clinging onto dear life because we have no clue what to do or what's going to happen. We cling to each other all day. 

The day ended with me attending my S-Anon meeting. It was only my second time and I'm so glad I went back. I already felt stronger at the meeting. I bawled my first time there. (Again, a post for another time.)

When I got back, Simon was waiting for me. The kids were all asleep in bed with pajamas on (pre DDay they would be just in a diaper or half dressed), the house was clean (pre DDay it would be a disaster and dinner would still be on the table), and Simon was reading from SA literature (pre DDay he would be playing video games and would barely acknowledge if I walked by him.)

It brought tears to my eyes and made my heart nearly explode with gratitude and joy. I hope it lasts. To see him waiting for me, happy to see me, reading!, the house clean, it was just darn fantastic. 

Simon listened to how my meeting went. I shared stories from the book with him. He shared his insights and other things he had remembered from his own meeting. 

We both agreed that we had been impressed with the reminder to "live in the moment." I think Simon and I have deeply communicated more in the past couple weeks than we have in the past couple years. It's crazy. It's nice. We read in Moses and said prayers together. 

I went to bed feeling hopeful and actually happy. And that was crazy nice. 

Love,

AnneGirl