My Story, Part Four: Worst Year of My Life

2014 started out with a bang. We were in a new state, had our twins and bought a house. Simon got a promotion only a few months into his new role. A lot was happening. 

My life was busy taking care of three little kids and Simon worked worked worked. But it had become excessive. He was always calling and letting me know of a last minute meeting that he had to stay late for, or there was an out of town conference he was sure he had told me about. He was always gone or home late.   On his days off, there would be a sudden mandatory meeting he had to go into work for. Or he had gotten sick and had to stay the night. A few times I was told that traffic was just horrendous and he was exhausted so he was going to spend the night at our friends' apartment. 

I was alone. 

I blew up at him one Sunday afternoon after he had spent the night away again last minute. Why don't you want to come home! I screamed and cried. And Simon said, Because I'm not happy at home. He cried and told me he felt I was always mad at him and that I wasn't affectionate to him. It was a big ol' cryfest. I promised to be more affectionate. Simon promised to be home more. 

That night, Simon's phone rang while we sat on the couch watching tv. He jumped up, answered and went outside. He was gone for about an hour or so, so I went outside to find him. I'll never forget seeing him sitting in his car, laughing and talking and smiling. I went back inside. 

When he came back into the house, He told me it was his friend Sam. I ignored him. The next day I texted him how hurt I felt that he would choose to talk to a friend over me, especially since the other morning he had cried and accused me of not showing him affection. I told him I couldn't be affectionate if he wasn't around. (Hint: He hadn't been talking to Sam.)

Life continued. Simon was gone always working. I was home, stressed and tired with keeping three kids alive. My family was concerned about me. They didn't understand how someone would be required to work THAT much. I always defended him. 

November 7th: the kids and I went to stay at my parents house (they live only 20 minutes away) since Simon had another out of town conference. I was always fine home by myself but for some reason felt like I should just be at my parents house that weekend and then go to church with them so I'd have help with the kids. 

November 8th: Simon texted me saying he would be home that night and we would all spend the night at my parents. It was a normal day. My parents left for a business dinner, I put the babies to bed and sat down to read a book while Jimmy played games on the computer. Simon would be there late, he had said. 

The phone rang. I never answer my parents telephone. Never. Especially if it's a number I don't recognize because they get a crazy amount of telemarketers. But I answered it. I was meant to answer it. Heavenly Father had placed me in a safe environment, He was looking out for me, He had me answer that call. 

Five seconds after saying Hello, my world shattered. It was trashed. Desecrated. The woman on the other end had been dating my husband for the past six months. She had no idea he was married. He had gone by a different name. She had finally become suspicious and searched his phone, found my parents number and called it. I will forever be grateful to that woman. She cried and cried and I heard her kick Simon out of her apartment. He knew she had called me. He knew that I knew. 

I can't even write my emotions of that night. It's something I never want to relive and thankfully I'm slowly starting to forget  exactly how I felt. But it was excruciating. And I was scared of my husband. What else was he capable of? Who is he?!

My family rushed to my aid. Heavenly Father blessed me, for He had my support system all in place for me. 

When Simon got to my parents house he acted like nothing had happened. My dad calmly confronted him and urged him to confess. He denied everything. He spun a story trying to cover up his lies. Even with proof (multiple pictures) staring him in the face he still denied it all. My dad kicked him out. 

I didn't sleep at all. 

The next day, Simon admitted everything. Reality had finally hit and he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. All I wanted to know was, WHY?!  His answer was, I don't know. He sobbed some more. 

We separated for a month. It was filled with endless tears, long, painful conversations, lots of family opinions, and prayer after prayer after prayer. It was exhausting. 

And I learned something: it all started with pornography. 

All the craziness and secrets and lies of the past four years suddenly made sense. And I felt like a complete idiot. How could I have been so blind? So naive? How could he be so cruel and calculating and heartless? 

Simon was excommunicated. I continued to still uncover lies. He was always caught and never confessed voluntarily to something he'd covered up. It was maddening. I just didn't understand how it was possible to live that double life and deceive everyone around you. But he swore he loved me. He begged. He wanted to get better. He promised he would change. He admitted he had serious issues and he was willing to do whatever it took. 

I waffled (and still do) between divorce, separation, and staying. If I were reading this story as someone else, someone who's never dealt with infidelity/sexual addiction, I would be screaming DIVORCE HIM NOW. I know that's what my family wants. 

And I would be gone in a heartbeat, if it weren't for the extraordinary changes I'm seeing in Simon. Changes only I can see. Once everything was out on the table and he was being honest, he started to come out of the fog. Pornography and sex addiction feeds on isolation. But now the secret was out. And honestly, it wasn't until he went to his first Sexaholics Anonymous meeting that he really changed. For the first time he said he felt hope that he could overcome it. 

The kids and I moved back in but we stayed in separate bedrooms. Simon was overjoyed. He cried and thanked me. He had begged me not to divorce him. I made sure he knew this was a trial. If he was going to change then I needed to see it firsthand for myself so I could make an educated decision and have no regrets. I set up boundaries and rules. 

So where are we now? It's been two weeks since moving back in. We're living together but separated. He attends SA, I attend SAnon. He sees a sexual addiction therapist tomorrow. We will go to our first Addiction Recovery Program meeting together tomorrow night. 

We talk daily. Big talks. Soul bearing talks. I'm learning all about my husband. I'm hearing his story, watching him sob bitterly and apologize over and over. It all started with a young teenage boy's choice to watch pornography. He never dreamed how it would literally destroy his life and effect the lives of his wife and children and family. 

But I've made a choice too: I will not be destroyed by this. I will recover. I will trust in my Savior. I will win regardless of whether or not Simon can stay sexually sober and prove to us he can and will be the man we need. 

There are many choices, many bends in my road. And it's ok that I don't have all the answers right now. I desperately want them but over and over I feel my Heavenly Father telling me, "It's ok to not know right now. The answers will come. You have a great life ahead." 

My Heavenly Father loves me. He will not abandon me. So come what may. I can do hard things. I have a great life ahead. I can endure to the end. I am Anne Girl.