another decision

Yesterday I felt sick all. day. long. It was a throw-up feeling, a pit in my stomach, I would sob intermittently all day long when no one could see. I felt traumatized. It was the same emotions and depression as the day I found out about the affair--D-Day.

I was getting that confusion again: what is feeling? and what is inspiration?

This nagging thought of, will I regret not giving it my all?, would not leave me. I know my answer that morning I found the sexting images was inspired. I know that came from Heavenly Father. I acted on that prompting. I obeyed. And I think it set into motion Simon's real desire for recovery.

I've been re-reading all of the talks from last general conference, and it's been amazing. Seriously, so many of the talks just speak to me and have helped me in this experience. Yesterday I read President Henry B. Eyring's talk Continuing Revelation. Near the beginning he says:

We all know that human judgment and logical thinking will not be enough to get answers to the questions that matter most in life. We need revelation from God. And we will need not just one revelation in a time of stress, but we need a constantly renewed stream. We need not just one flash of light and comfort, but we need the continuing blessing of communication with God.

Receiving just one revelation in this experience is not enough. I need a constantly renewing stream of revelation to navigate my way through this. That answer amazed me. The inspiration I had to tell Simon we needed a divorce was inspired. But that cannot be the only revelation I will need. Revelation needs to be renewed hourly, daily, weekly, etc.

Each day is new, with different questions and challenges and needs. I need continual revelation, each and every day. And just because I may receive revelation in the future that may be opposite to that initial one, does not mean I was wrong or misunderstood the whisperings of the Spirit. If I believe in modern revelation, I believe in revelation of the moment. Things change and new revelation will always be needed. It's the whole reason we have living prophets! We don't just stick to the Bible because it came first. We focus on revelation for our day because it pertains to us more personally and accurately.

I still feel like divorce was right. But it doesn't mean that I have to file tomorrow. I need time. That was the answer I kept getting yesterday. I need time. Not because Simon wants it. But because I need it.

There's a certain paragraph in my patriarchal blessing that speaks directly to my situation. It is amazing. And it is scary. I'm sharing it, and it is so sacred and special to me, to show the validity and strength that patriarchal blessings give us. It scares me, like I said, but it gives me hope in me:

You have a great life ahead. You came to this earth at this particular time with a gift from Heavenly Father. Satan is having great success ruining families and destroying morality. This gift will help you and assist you in helping others to withstand these terrible temptations of Satan. I bless you to recognize and use this gift.

Amazing. I've read my patriarchal blessing dozens of times before all this. I never knew that this paragraph was telling me that pornography would infiltrate my family and try to destroy it. That Satan would have a firm grasp on my husband. And that I was strong enough to combat it.

Something so interesting to me is the opening phrase, "You have a great life ahead." I feel SO much love and peace from those simple words. Heavenly Father is telling me that despite all of this, I will be happy, I will have a great life, with or without Simon. It is exactly what I need to hear.

Divorce seems like the end of life. That's how I felt yesterday. Like my life was ending. I felt so so so helpless and hopeless. I've cried out many times in prayer, How will I go on? Is my life ruined? Are my kids lives ruined? Will I ever be happy? And Heavenly Father answers me, "You have a great life ahead!" Oh, how I love my Heavenly Father and His tender mercies for me.

Now what is my gift? Over the years, when I've thought about this, I've come to the conclusion that my gift is spiritual wisdom and strength. I still feel that's true today. Because, I truly do what is right. I have always had a desire for righteousness. I have strength in standing up for and defending my beliefs. It has never been hard for me to live the gospel. I live it and I love it. I know I am an example.

I don't say this with any boasting, at all! I feel so blessed that this is my gift here in mortality. I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and so I follow it. I want to be like my Savior, and so I try to emulate Him. And so when I was thinking of divorce and making plans to get it done as soon as possible, I thought of my gift and my patriarchal blessing. And then I felt like I was rushing. I was getting so caught up in making Simon pay for his sins and in feeling justified for doing so.

I want to walk away knowing that I did my best. I want to be able to stand before my Savior one day and feel full confidence that I did everything in my power to help my spouse. If I want my patriarchal blessing to come true, if I want to have a "great life ahead" then I need to use my gift to help myself and help my husband and help others to withstand pornography.

I read a great article that talked about a couple who gave their marriage one year; essentially, the wife gave her sex addict husband one year to get into recovery and stay in recovery. And in that year, she worked on getting herself to the point of confidence and self-reliance so when the year was up and her husband hadn't done what he said he was willing to do, she was able to leave with no regrets and emotionally strong.

That may happen with us. It could be over for sure in a year. Or, if by some miracle, we come out of that year with our marriage strong and Simon in full recovery, then I guess we stay together. I have no idea. I'm nervous, nervous, nervous because I can't see the road ahead. But I love the idea of a year to get myself prepared for whatever outcome is waiting.

And that's a conclusion I've had to get to all by myself. If you're reading this, and you're going through a similar situation, then know this: You can do hard things. Yes, you are going through a real hell. And I'm so sorry. But only you can decide what to do. Do not let yourself be swayed by family and friends or church leaders. All you need is support. Tell them that, tell yourself that. YOU decide what to do. Andrew from Rowboats & Marbles (a great website) told me, "You have a right to be wrong!" Meaning, there is no charted path in sexual addiction, your experience is personal and unique and yes you might think you've made mistakes on how to respond, but that's ok! Be kind with yourself (his sins are not yours). Give yourself time. You must have time to process everything. But with that said, go with your gut. Follow the Spirit. Stay close to the Spirit. YOU can only control yourself. YOU do what you think is right. Follow the Savior, seek revelation, heed His counsel. I'm praying for you.

Love,
AnneGirl