so many words

My thoughts are so jumbled today it's hard to even type them out. Simon does not want a divorce. Neither do I! He said a lot of things last night. He's so hurt. He's getting angry. He wants to keep our family together. He wants to get better and recover with me. But made it clear that he WILL recover, even if I do leave.

He doesn't understand that I want those things too. I do love him. I do want our family to stay together. But those are my wants. I can't dismiss the confirming feeling I got that other morning while I was on my knees telling Heavenly Father that divorce seemed right. I don't want to ignore inspiration. I pleaded for it after all!

I talked with our family friend who is a family lawyer. He told me that just because you get divorced, doesn't mean that you are condemning your spouse. He said we could get divorced and then get remarried the next week if we wanted to! He was trying to be funny of course, but I understood his meaning. And I tried to convey this to Simon.

He said I was dangling our relationship in front of him. I sincerely did no such thing. I was trying to communicate that divorce was what I felt was right at the moment. That I wasn't writing him off. That I would still help him and care for him. And that I hoped we did get remarried if he could prove he was in recovery.

Simon said, "If you want to be with me, then be with me. If you don't want to be with me, then don't."
He's implied that I just want the easy way out. That I don't want to go on this hard and ugly journey with him. He said he doesn't blame me. But he wants to stay married.

But do I want to be with him? I don't know. Finding out about the sexting--as recent as Sunday!--just broke me all over again. Those images I saw, and the ones I've unwillingly imagined in my head from the past four years, are traumatizing. They're disgusting. And once again, I feel like his pornography addiction is sucking me in.

I even had a dream last night that I sat at the computer with Jimmy on my lap. And suddenly a porno movie flashed onto the screen and we watched it. And I awoke terrified that my life and my children's lives were going to be dragged into the filth and muck and sins of this plague. That we would never know freedom from it.

I believe in the Atonement. I know Simon is not lost forever. I sincerely hope and believe that he can recover if he puts his faith in the Lord and does everything in his power to control his appetites. But I'm feeling shackled right along with him. And the only thing I can control is choosing whether to stay or leave.