Video Games

Video games have been a constant in my marriage. My husband has always played them from basically day one. And over the years I cycled through different feelings about them. Sometimes I would hate them and tell Simon so because it consumed his free time and lead to my neglect. Other times I was ok with it and tried to be understanding that it was just his hobby. I enjoyed reading. He enjoyed video games. 

I can confidently say today that I HATE them. I hate them because they trigger me now. They remind me of my old life--life before my world shattered. A life of lies. They represent all the neglect and disconnect I felt from Simon. They remind me of how I would go to bed most nights by myself while Simon stayed up until the early morning playing violent games and talking with friends. 

Video games say one thing to me: I am more important than you are. 

After DDay, I asked Simon not to play them. He said OK. But then he played them anyways while we were separated. 

At our marriage counseling session I brought video games up. I expressed how I thought it was a simple request and would be a sign to me that Simon was willing to sacrifice something for me and give me full attention. Simon was irritable and annoyed and gave a terse answer of "fine." The therapist encouraged him to do so without resenentment. Because otherwise it would mean nothing. Simon was dripping resentment.  

Has he stopped playing video games? No. And I'm tired of asking him to. 

There were some fishy behaviors going on tonight so I basically went to bed early. Simon was denying everything and I just didn't have the energy to keep pressing him. And so I went to sleep and then I dreamed. And in my dream, I asked Simon about those fishy behaviors. He turned violent. He cussed at me. He tried to hit me. I woke up. 

I went to find Simon and...he was playing video games. I internally freaked. I was already feeling so traumatized and scared and seeing him playing video games just sent me into full panic mode. 

I calmly asked him if he could stop playing. He said without looking at me, "In ten minutes I will." I am more important than you are. 

I asked him again. He turned them off reluctantly. I told him my dream in our dark family room. I told him how I was scared to see his enthusiasm for getting into recovery waning. I told him that I'd already noticed it in several behaviors the last day or so. 

He basically responded with: I completely disagree and I need more support from you and you're condemning me for dreams you're having and I'm not a violent person why would you think I'd even do that. 

I cried and told him how I felt unsafe. His fishy behaviors make me feel unsafe. His waning enthusiasm makes me feel unsafe. His playing video games makes me feel unsafe. And because I feel unsafe, I dream that I am physically NOT SAFE and that HE WILL HURT ME. 

Simon simply didn't get it. Here I was asking for him to keep me safe. I was telling him what I needed. Pleading for it. And he flat out didn't want to comply. He kept saying he didn't see why video games were such a big deal to me and that he needed something to stay normal in his life. 

He's not willing to sacrifice for me and my safety. That's the message I got. And that hurts. 

Pornography says I am more important than you are. 

Masturbation says I am more important than you are. 

All the women he's been with say We are more important than you are. 

Video games say I am more important than you are. 

Simon says I am more important than you are. 

It hurts.